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Episode 60/Transcript
(In the Girls' Bathroom) Shay: (examining the graffiti that Brittnay left) You know I've got to say, I kind of like what she's done with the place. Her work's kind of got an early-Banksy quality to it. Mackenzie: Shay, will you pull your head out of your goddamn twat and focus on the fucking problem at hand? Shay: (walks over) Oh I'm sorry, I'm not the one who blew up Brittnay's car and unleashed the fucking succubus that we took care of eight and a half years ago. Mackenzie: Oh, c'mon! How was I supposed to know that she was gonna take this so goddamn personally?! Shay: She warned you Mackenzie! She fucking warned you! Mackenzie: It was the third grade Shay! How was I supposed to know— Shay: You just had to screw her over didn't you? You just had to screw her over the same way you screw over anyone who dares get in the way of the great and glorious Mackenzie Zales! (beat) Mackenzie: ...You feel better now? Did you get that all out of your system, baby? Shay: Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Macenzie: Okay good, now look, we took care of this in the third grade, we sure as fffuck can take care of it now. Trisha: (beat) I'm sorry, what happened in the third grade? Shay: That was the day we all met Brittnay— (wavy screen transition to flashback) (young versions of Rachel, Shay, and Mackenzie are in a classroom) Rachel: Um, I think you guys are kind of missing the whole point of the movie— Mackenzie: What do you mean? The point of the movie is to tell the story of the magnificent and beautiful Regina George who is repeatedly attacked by a little red-headed troll who is jealous of her amazing life and eventually tricks her into walking in front of a bus. Shay: Yeah, what was that little red-headed girl's problem anyway? Rachel: I don't know, I mean, maybe she just figured out that being popular isn't really the most important thing in life and doesn't hold any true value. Mackenzie: Well, I guess we'll never have to find out if that's true. (Mackenzie and Shay laugh) Rachel: Yeah, totally. Teacher: Okay boys and girls, I want to introduce you all to Brittnay Matthews. She just transferred here from St. Teresa's All Girls School in Kansas City. Brittnay: I didn't transfer. (beat) I was expelled. (Mackenzie, Rachel, and Shay all look at each other) Teacher: Okay well, anyway, we all know how hard it can be to be in a new place, so I want you all to take time today to introduce yourselves and make Brittnay feel welcome here in Overland Park. Shay: Hi there Brittnay. I'm Shay Van Buren, and these are my friends Mackenzie and Rachel. Rachel: Hi Brittnay! Mackenzie: I like your dress. Brittnay: Thanks. I think you look like shit. (Mackenzie, Rachel, and Shay all look at each other) Listen up cunts, I don't need you as friends, I don't want you as friends. Stay the fuck out of my way, and we'll all get along just fine. Got it? Great! (leaves) Shay: What is her problem? Mackenzie: I look like shit? Rachel: What does fuck mean? Matthew: Now are you ready for me to blow your mind? Kickball is just baseball but with your feet! Tanner: Oh my God, how did I never notice that?! Matthew: I know right! If you think that's crazy, just wait until I tell you what ping-pong actually is. Tanner: What is—Oh no! Our cubbies! Matthew: No no no no no! I had a Nintendo DS in there! And I was halfway through Metroid Prime Hunters, the first hunt! Tanner: No, my lunchables! Waahh! Matthew: Oh, somebody's gonna be held responsible for this ya'll! Cause this don't happen to Matty D! Not Matty D! Mackenzie: What happened? Shay: Our cubbies! Tanner: Waahhh! Matthew: The Derringer name cannot withstand this much shame. Mackenzie: (her cubby says "Cunt") What the hell? Shay: (her cubby says "Bitch") Oh my god! Rachel: (her cubby has a penis drawing on it) Ooh I got a rocket! Shay: Who would do this? Mackenzie: I'm pretty sure it was Brittnay. (sure enough, there is a pointing arrow and a spray-painted message saying "''Brittnay did this! :)" on the wall)'' Brittnay: Ha! Teacher: Brittnay Matthews! Brittnay: What?! Teacher: Go sit in the time-out chair and think about what you've done! Brittnay: Good! I will. And when I'm done doing that, it'll give me some time to think about what I'm gonna do next. Mackenzie: Wow, that girl is crazy. Shay: Yeah, let's stay the hell away from her. Mackenzie: Uh, done and done. (later) Teacher: Remember kids, one juice box per student. Mackenzie: (Than suddenly steps in right in front of her) Hey! No cuts, Jonathan! Than: I don't play by your rules, man! And by the way, the name is Uncle Jesse! Isn't that right, The Rippers?! Matthew: (holding a juice box) We're not doing that! Brittnay: Hey did you just cut?! Than: Yeah, so? (Brittnay starts beating up Than) Teacher: Next! Mackenzie: Oh! (watches them) Than: Ow! Ow! Oh it hurts! Teacher: Brittnay! Timeout! Brittnay: Ugh, fine. Than: (gets up) Why is my pee-pee hard? Mackenzie: You guys, I just saw that girl Brittnay beat up Jonathan Getslinhaumer! Shay: What else is new? She's a little psycho. Mackenzie: Yeah, yeah but I just realized she can be our little psycho. Shay: What? Mackenzie: If we make friends with her, we can make her our enforcer. Rachel: Okay, but how do you propose we become friends with that? (Brittnay is seen shaking her spray paint can) Shay: Why is my head so itchy? Mackenzie: I just need to talk to her. Shay: She's on timeout. You're not gonna be able to talk to her unless— (Mackenzie punches Shay) Ow! Waaahhhh! Teacher: Mackenzie! Timeout! Shay: Son of a bitch bastard! (in the Timeout corner) Brittnay: Did you just smack your friend in the face? Mackenzie: Yeah. Brittnay: She must be pretty pissed. Mackenzie: Eh, I did it so I could come talk to you. She'll forgive me. That's what friends do. You know, we'd like to be your friend. Brittnay: Why, so you can punch me in the face? No thanks. Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, see, if we had you as our friend we'd never have to punch anyone in the face. Because you could do it for us! Brittnay: Well I do like punching people in the face. But no thanks, I work alone. Mackenzie: Yeah, I noticed that. But you know if you keep getting in trouble like this, you're gonna get expelled again. Brittnay: Yeah, so? Mackenzie: I'm just saying if you had a couple of friends looking out for you, they could keep you from getting in trouble. Then your life would be a whole lot easier. Teacher: Brittnay! Your timeout's over. Brittnay: Fuckin' finally! Teacher: But, if you get in trouble again, you're going straight to the principal's office! Mackenzie: What do you say Brittnay? Sounds like you could use a friend. Brittnay: I say fuck off. I don't need any friends. I don't need anyone! I work alone, and you know why? Because there's only one person looking out for Brittnay Matthews. And that's Brittnay Matthews. So thanks for the chat, and if you ever feel like doing it again, feel free to sucker punch one or all of your friends for me. Teacher: Mackenzie, your time's up. You can get up now too. (sighs and sits down) Every single one of you is a wrinkle in my face. Rachel: How did it go? Mackenzie: Not good. Shay: You see, I told you she was crazy. Also, why'd you hit me in the face?! Mackenzie: No, no we just need to show her how valuable it is to have us as friends. Shay: Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Why don't we lead with our great face-slapping program? Rachel: Are we sure this is the best idea we can come up with? Mackenzie: Trust me Rachel, it'll be over before you know it. Rachel: Alright. Mackenzie: Shay, you ready? Shay: Ready as I'll ever be. Rachel: Oh hey Jonathan, how's it going? Than: Oh actually the name is— Rachel: I agree, Brittnay is a real cunt! Brittnay: What? Than: What? (Brittnay rushes over and starts beating both of them up) Teacher: Brittnay! Goddammit! Brittany! That is it! Principal's office now! Brittnay: Goddamnit. Shay: Oh no! I saw the whole thing, teacher! Jonathan Getslinhaumer attacked Rachel! Than: I did?! Shay: Brittnay was just trying to, um, break up the fight! Rachel: Get off of me! He came at me like an animal! Thanks Britt! You're a real friend. Teacher: Jonathan, go on timeout! That was very nice of you Brittnay. Brittnay: What the fuck just happened? Mackenzie: See? It's like I told you, Brittnay. When you've got friends like us, we can get you out of any jam. Rachel took one for the team, and Shay provided a cover story. You sure you don't want to reconsider our offer? Shay: With you on our side, we'd be unstoppable. Rachel: Think about it, Britt. It's a good deal. Brittnay: Alright, fine. But you have to promise me something. Mackenzie: Sure! Brittnay: I'm not like these two. I don't get sacrificed. I don't ever want to be the one who gets fucked over. So I'll be your enforcer. But don't fuck me. Don't you ever fuck me. Mackenzie: Alright, you have my word. Brittnay: Because if you do, I'll burn your entire world to the ground. Tanner: Huh. You know, I'll be honest. I do not understand women. Than: I know right, Tanner?! Who needs 'em! Woop, there goes my pee-pee again. (wavy screen transition to present) Shay: So you see Trisha, everything's been totally cool since then. Until Mackenzie had to go and blow up her fucking car! Mackenzie: Look, we just have to do what we did back then. Shay: Oh no, no, no, I am not getting punched in the face again! Mackenzie: We just need to show her that she still needs us. Deandra: Whoa! Like what you guys have done with the place. It's very—, uh, oh wow, that's quite a painting over there. Shay: Deandra, can you just give us a minute? We're trying to deal with something here. Deandra: Normally I would, but the groundhog is already kind of looking for his shadow if you know what I mean. Mackenzie: Oh God! That's disgusting! C'mon you guys! (the cheer squad leaves) Deandra: Oh what come on, you guys don't want to see if there's gonna be six more weeks of winter?